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Coletti Warlords: Reality Bites

Gail Koger

Bree never thought her dimwit act, military grade mace, cattle prod, or dumping a ton of stinky manure on Jaylan's head would encourage his pursuit. Who knew a Coletti warlord would think of being zapped with a cattle prod as fore...
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Bree never thought her dimwit act, military grade mace, cattle prod, or dumping a ton of stinky manure on Jaylan's head would encourage his pursuit. Who knew a Coletti warlord would think of being zapped with a cattle prod as foreplay? Or a determined opponent only heightened his enjoyment of the chase?

The chase comes to an abrupt halt when the Tai-Kok attack Tucson, forcing Bree to team up with the Coletti warlord to stop them. Suddenly plucked from Earth by a crazed Tai-Kok commander, Jaylan and Bree find themselves stranded on a hostile alien world, and being tracked by a deadly Askole assassin. It’s really no time for the two of them to fall in love.

Dead Man’s Gulch, a piece of the Wild, Wild West plunked down in the middle of the Arizona desert. Off the beaten path, its isolation made it the perfect headquarters for our resistance movement. Underground bunkers had been added when the Tai-Kok and Rodan began raiding our world.

My tiny office was located in the jail. I loved the atmosphere. The walls were covered with old wanted posters. A leather duster and gun belt complete with a functional 1873 Colt Peacemaker hung on the antique coatrack.

I polished the gold badge pinned to my fringed leather shirt. Officially, I was Dead Man’s Gulch’s marshal, and when the need arose, I was authorized to make arrests.

With my long black hair and copper-colored skin, most people thought I was Native American, not Coletti. Which worked out perfectly when the theme park was still open. I could either become Calamity Jane, the great American sharpshooter and sheriff, or an Indian princess.

My latest bust had been a transient who thought an abandoned ghost town would be the perfect place to set up housekeeping. The buildings might look empty, but they’re not. Two hundred soldiers usually live below ground in the bunkers. Pops had taken all but the command staff to raid a holding center in Texas.

Through the dusty front window, I watched a coyote amble down the dirt street. With a sigh, I surveyed my cluttered desk. Paperwork was the bane of my existence. As Pops’s second in command I was responsible for strategy, equipping our troops, and getting new identities for the rescued women.

Central Command had a stranglehold on weapons, and we were forced to buy from Mexican gunrunners. Not an exercise for the faint of heart. The thugs thought a woman would be an easy mark, until I taught them otherwise.

To make things really interesting, the Overlord had sent his best hunter, Jaylan, to Earth to track down and eliminate all members of Earth First. He had already destroyed our bases in Nevada and Oregon. Pops was beyond pissed.

A thousand fireflies sparked in my brain as my internal radar went on red alert. I almost inhaled my gum when an enormous Coletti warrior abruptly teleported into my office.

His fangs bared in a feral snarl, he demanded, “Where are they?”

Holy hell, it was Jaylan! This was so not good. I quickly stomped on the silent alarm hidden beneath my desk, and assumed my mother’s ditzy demeanor. “We’re an Old West theme park, and while your costume is very authentic, we’re looking for gunslingers, not Jedi knights or Coletti invaders.”

Jaylan cocked a disbelieving eyebrow and leveled the barrel of his laser pistol at my chest. “Put your hands up.”

“No sense in getting all cranky. We aren’t hiring right now, and even if we were, you’d have to lose those fangs.”

The warlord leaned across the desk, literally oozing menace. “Do you wish to die?”

“Boy, someone sure got up on the wrong side of the bed. With that stinky attitude, no one is going to hire you, but seeing how you drove all the way out here, I’ll give you an application form.” I reached into my top desk drawer and froze when Jaylan jammed his laser pistol against my forehead.

“Do not move.”

I popped my gum loudly. “Okeydoke.”

“Put your hands up,” Jaylan commanded again.

Blowing a huge purple bubble, I slowly raised my hands and tried not to laugh when he grabbed the trash can and ordered, “Spit it out.”

I spat. My wad missed the trash can and hit his spiffy boot instead. “Ooops.”

“Ooops?” Jaylan’s eyes burned with the promise of retaliation.

“Sorry. My aim was off a bit. Let me get that for you,” I added in my best dumb-as-a-rock voice and smeared the offending glob over his boot. “Sticky little bugger.”

“Leave it!” he bellowed.

“You sure?” I swiped my finger upward, spreading the gooey mess onto his pants. “I’ve got some fingernail polish that will clean it right off.”

“Enough! Do you take me for a fool?”

I burst into tears, sobbing as if my heart had been broken. “I was... I was...just trying to help.”

“Stop your sniveling.”

Grabbing a bunch of tissues off my desk, I noisily blew my nose and offered timidly, “Can I get you some coffee?”

“No.” The warlord studied me suspiciously for a long moment, then turned his attention to searching my desk.

My gaze roamed over Jaylan’s chiseled features and strong jaw. Damn, he was one hot dude, if you were into the whole merciless-predator thing. His black battle suit displayed an amazing amount of muscles, and he wore a large bronze communication bracelet on each arm. A bronze chain was woven into his ebony warrior braids. Two daggers protruded from his knee-high armored boots, and he even had a wicked-looking sword hanging from his weapons belt.

I added a quiver to my voice. “Is this a robbery? Because, buddy, you picked the wrong place to rob. There’s no money here.”

Jaylan yanked me from my chair. “Tell me where your commander is, and I will be merciful.”

‘Merciful?’ What kind of dialogue is that? You sound like someone out of a bad action movie.”

A growl rumbled in Jaylan’s throat. Grabbing a handful of my shirt, he picked me up with his left hand. “Where is your commander?”

I glanced down in surprise. My toes dangled inches from the floor. I was six feet tall, and this guy had lifted me effortlessly. “Commander? Oh, you mean my boss?”

“Yes,” Jaylan snapped, giving me a hard shake.

“He’s not here.”

He shook me again. “Where is he?”

“I don’t know. I’m just the part-time secretary. I come in twice a week to do the paperwork.”

Animosity glittered in Jaylan’s amber eyes. “You cannot be this stupid.”

I narrowed my amber eyes and huffed, “Excuse me?”

“We tracked the females here. You will take me to them.”

“If you’re looking for the whorehouse, it’s another twenty miles down the road.” I tugged at his hand. “Could you put me down? You’re wrinkling my shirt.”

Jaylan dropped me in the chair and commanded, “Do not move.”

“Who died and made you boss?”

He pushed his laser pistol against my nose. “This makes me the boss.”

Crossing my eyes, I stared at it. “How do I know it’s real?”

Jaylan’s expression was one of total exasperation. He moved his laser pistol three inches to the right and obliterated my filing cabinet.

“Oh. My. God. You’re gonna get me fired!” I shrieked in dismay.

“If you do not cooperate, you are going to wish you were dead.”

“You know, nine dollars an hour is not worth this shit. I quit.” Picking up my backpack, I headed for the door and ran into a rock hard chest.

“You are not going anywhere.”

I yanked out a canister of super-duper military-grade mace from my backpack and sprayed him in the face. “Wanna bet?”

Yowling in fury, Jaylan staggered back, rubbing at his eyes. “You will regret this, female.”

My eyes watering badly, I growled, “The name is Bree. Not female, and you’re a bully. I hate bullies.” I grabbed the cattle prod we used on our Brahma bulls off the desk. I shoved it into his neck and lit him up.

With a grunt of pain, he dropped to his knees. Barely ten seconds later, I felt Jaylan’s mind bounce off my rather awesome mental shields.

Damn, he was a tough one. “Surprise, I’m a Siren. The first line of defense against alien monsters like you. You know, one of those women whose psychic abilities make us prime breeding stock? The ones you assholes turn into broodmares.”

Jaylan’s mental voice was mesmerizing, compelling. “Drop your shields.”

“Oh, give it a rest. Mind control doesn’t work on me.” I zapped him again and again and again until he lay quivering on the floor. Bullies brought out my mean streak.

Jaylan’s amber eyes locked on me. A cold rush of fear tightened my stomach at the terrible fury burning there. How was he still conscious?

“There is no place you can run that I cannot find you.”

“I beg to differ.” I picked up his laser pistol, switched it over to stun, and blasted him. Crackling red energy danced over Jaylan.

“I. Will. Find you,” Jaylan snarled between clenched teeth; his body convulsed violently.

Wow. Color me impressed. The dude didn’t go down easy. Just to aggravate him a bit, I leaned over him and patted his cheek. “It’s been fun playing with you, numb nuts.”

A low growl broke from him.

My cell phone beeped. I scooped it off the desk. “Hello.”

My father roared, “Are you fucking nuts?”

Damn, he must be monitoring the security feeds. “Hey, Pops.”

“That Coletti will never stop until he captures or kills you.”

“That Coletti is Jaylan. You know, the Overlord’s big, scary hunter, and I just defeated him.”

Horror filled Pops’s voice. “Good God, what have you done?”

“Captured a bad guy.” Something none of our soldiers had ever accomplished. Where was my pat on the back?

“Kill him,” Pops commanded.

“What?” Was he nuts? I couldn’t shoot Jaylan in cold blood. A zillion fireflies danced in my head as my radar went to DEFCON 1. Fuck. Jaylan had summoned reinforcements. “Gotta go. Company’s coming.”

Pops snapped, “If you let him live, you will regret it.”

Spasms still rocked Jaylan’s body, and I smiled confidently. “The warlord has been neutralized.” Lowering my shields, I used my Siren abilities to scan the area. A bunch of Colettis were approaching on foot. I was definitely outgunned.

Jaylan’s voice was an ominous whisper. “Neutralized?” He darted psychically across my lowered shields and tried to pin me down mentally.

With a gasp of pain, I instinctively struck back, punching the hell out of the bastard’s mind.

The warlord blocked my blows and hammered my inner shields.

“The only brains getting scrambled are yours.” I stunned the warlord again with the cattle prod and kicked him out of my head. A shuddering breath escaped me. That’ll teach me to get cocky. “Bye-bye.”

A hand clamped painfully around my right ankle and yanked me off my feet. “Not. Leaving,” Jaylan rasped.

I knew warlords were a relentless bunch, but enough was enough. I drew my left foot back and kicked him in the face with my steel-toed boot.

He smiled at me.

Holy Mary, Mother of God. His smile was the most terrifying thing I’d ever seen.

Pops’s voice sounded from the cell phone. “The self-destruct sequence has started. Quit playing with the Coletti.”

“Yes, sir.” I pulled the knife from my boot and waved it at Jaylan. “Let go, or I will use this.”

His grip tightened.

“Not too bright, are you, buddy?” I stabbed the jerk in the hand and yanked my foot free.

“Mine,” Jaylan rumbled, stark possessiveness in his eyes.

“Never gonna happen. If I were you, I’d start crawling. You’ve got about ten minutes before this place goes boom.” I typed a command into my computer, and a door opened in the wall. Picking up my backpack, I smiled sweetly at him. “See you around, numb nuts.”

As the door slid shut behind me, the warlord’s horrific battle cry echoed off the walls.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. If he ever caught me, I’d be in big trouble.

Copyright © Gail Koger

Customer Reviews

You won't be able to put it down Review by Yuki
Quality
Kroger has created a great series with a dash of humor thrown in. With a strong heroine vs. alpha male, be sure to grab your copy today. (Posted on 8/24/14)
where has this series been hidingfrom me!? Review by Suzanne B
Quality
Wow... and again Wow. The stories of these Coletti Waerlords make me want one of my own! These stories have it all: snarky heroines, sexy aliens, and a fight to save Earth. The humor will make you laugh out loud, the secondary characters are unique and just add to the story. I can only hope the first 2 books in the series become available, I will snap those up! Anxiously awaiting the next installment from the author. (Posted on 7/27/14)
Love this series Review by Robin W
Quality
Just can't get enough of reading Gail's books. Her characters come alive and can't stay out of trouble. Bree and Jaylan are great characters. Her imagination in making up new creatures is unique. A must not miss book (Posted on 7/22/14)
Please write faster! Review by Angela
Quality
I dig this story well the whole series really. With a spunky girl, Bree who can kick some ass and has a heart along with a mouth that won't let up you have me hooked! Jaylan her man is a little arrogant and and a bit presumptuous but, heck I like that too!

I zipped through this book in an afternoon because it was thoroughly enjoyable to me. If you like a sassy chick who can hold her own and a hot guy who wants to do all he can to protect her but, allows her to be who she really is because he likes him some spunk. All I have to say is....Dear Ms Koger, Write faster please! Thank you!! ;)
(Posted on 7/21/14)
book 4 Review by melissa s.
Quality
I was very excited when I heard this book was coming out. I have loved the three books prior and was hoping for a similar but different story.
Honestly it took me hours to read the first 5 chapters because it was so similar to at least two other books in the series and I had to keep stopping. I was a little disappointed because I was so looking forward to this book. About the 5th chapter it started getting a little better and I was able to quickly finish reading it after that. I still really like this series but this won't be my favorite part it. I would still recommend it.
(Posted on 7/2/14)
Love Blowing things up! Review by Amberb
Quality
Ok, I will be the first to admit that when I play lego games on the Wii, I have to be the player with the biggest, baddest guns/bombs. So...I LOVE Goddess Gail's ladies! The one liners are the best. Have tried them on the hubby. The looks I get are priceless!

Jaylan is your ultimate Alpha. (So when he gets his butt handed to him, in front of other warriors, it is gravy!) Jaylan is a Coletti Warlord and has been hunting Bree. Bree thought she was undetected by the Coletti. Bree is a half breed Coletti and a Siren (able to find the bad aliens) and able to breed/be converted by Coletti Warriors. Bree and her step-dad are trying to hide the Siren's from the Coletti and still let them be able to find the bad guys before they eat everyone on earth.

Lots of smack talk, using chocolate to control Bree (don't recommend to anyone...) and physic sex. Love when it works both ways!!

New alien allies and some ugly alien villeins show up. Visits from previous couples (Got to love the Jones' Clan!) and furry aliens show up and flow wonderfully with the story!

Got to tell you, the baby aliens are as blood thirsty as the grownups. The babies really make the stories from Goddess Gail lighten up...Ok the sex does too, but really! Rule in my house...If you laugh at the child as you are trying to correct behavior, it does not count. If you laugh, NO consequences!

There are no consequences in this book. Only the need for the author to write faster!! The ending is a great lead into the next book and hopefully done soon. (Like tomorrow...tomorrow is good. Wink...)
(Posted on 7/2/14)
Love this book! Review by JudyfromCa
Quality
I found the 3rd book in Gail's Coletti Warlords book in November and LOVED IT! I had a very hard time waiting to get my hands on the next book.

Reality Bites is just as good (maybe better!) than the last book. I love the strong characters, action, adventure and romance. They are such an enjoyable read that I have read Vexing Voss over and over again. I expect to do the same with Reality Bites. It's just that good!
(Posted on 7/2/14)
Loved It. Highly Recommend. Review by Denise
Quality
I am really happy to review this book Reality Bites. I have waited for this one to be released ever since reading Vexing Voss. It was just as good as Vexing Voss with the laugh out loud one-liners and the out of this world romance. The Warlords really do have a softer side for their mates. So cute. The stories are so enthralling that you just cannot put them down until you have finished the book. Thank you Gail for another entertaining read. I will definitely be looking for the next one in the series. (Posted on 7/1/14)
attention holding Review by christine7099
Quality
Loved Voss and love Jaylan. Action, sex and humor all in one book. What more can you ask for? (Posted on 7/1/14)
Koger does it again! Review by djh2121
Quality
Another book in the Colletti warlord series that is hard to put down! Keeps you laughing, anticipating and yes let's not forget the sizzle! A kick ass Si-Fi romance, if only the Collettiverse were real! Sigh. A recommended read over and over! (Posted on 7/1/14)
Reality Bites is a fun, fast paced read! Review by Shizua
Quality
Reality Bites is the long anticipated, next in line of the Coletti Warlords series. It is a fun, fast paced, in your face read. Gail give you pure entertainment! Bree and Jaylan butt head and hearts in this sci fi, alien filled romp. It is fun, it is funny, it is all you want in a solid read! You cannot come away from this one, without laughing your butt off. Get it now! (Posted on 7/1/14)
Wow Keeper Review by Melissa B
Quality
Love this series and its a keeper.
Would love give more stars to this book.
So check it out.
(Posted on 7/1/14)
Another great read Review by Lisa
Quality
Another great book by Gail Koger, has everything you need in a book humor story and kick ass woman and let's not forget the Coletti warlords (Posted on 7/1/14)
Another great story Review by Loving the Colletti Warlords
Quality
A great blend of action and science fiction/fantasy. Gail has a way of drawing the reader into the story. She mixes just the right amount of action with romance. She also blends in just the right amount of humor. Can't wait for the next one!!!! (Posted on 7/1/14)
Love, love, loved it!! Review by Megan
Quality
Gail Koger does it again. The newest book in the Coletti Warlord series does not disappoint. Witty, fearless heroine, growly, sexy warlord. Add in explosives and chocolate and u get a deliciously, explosive story. (Posted on 7/1/14)
Reality Bites Review by Kelly Adams
Quality
Hot steamy funny read! This book had me hooked from the very first chapter with its constant action and suprises. Jaylan and Bree were a funny pair to watch Bree being a trouble magnet and Jaylan always wanting to play hero when she can obviously take care of herself. The sex scenes were off the charts hot! I mean the scenes in the previous books were good but these were awesome and we got a little bit of kinky thrown in there too! I throughly enjoyed this book, and my only regret was that it wasn't longer but I am already looking forward to the next book in this series! (Posted on 7/1/14)
OMG!! SO MUCH FUN!! Review by janine
Quality
Score another win for Gail Koger and Reality Bites. I can not believe how much fun this book is. The third in the Coletti Warlords series Reality Bites delivered on all fronts. There was the prerequisite snark and banter, over the top alien stud muffins and chocolate - lots of chocolate. How much fun would it be to live in this world? Do yourself a favor and make Gail Koger a must read author. She doesn't disappoint. My only regret is that now I have to wait for (Posted on 7/1/14)
Exciting Review by Dar
Quality
Well worth the wait.

Can't wait for the next adventure. A definite reread.
(Posted on 7/1/14)
a must read Review by Melissa Weeks
Quality
Another amazing book by Gail Koger it was full of action and adventure and romance the perfect nix to a good read
Bree isn't a normal human she is half coletti and she was adopted by a human who runs a a human resistance group called earth first they don't want aliens to run their lives he didn't care that bree was part coletti they hide women who have psychic powers they hide women so they wont become brood mares for the coletti she is his
Jaylan is hunting all the earth first people he demands that bree tell him where her father s he also want bree as his mate she dosn't make it easy on him his determination to make him hers and her determination to get away get them in a few tough spot and many humorous situations what a book i absolutely loved this book it made me laugh and when i got to the end i was absolutely obsessed on finding out what happens next i cant wait for the next book 5 gold stars i love this book
(Posted on 7/1/14)
a must read Review by Melissa Weeks
Quality
Another amazing book by Gail Koger it was full of action and adventure and romance the perfect nix to a good read
Bree isn't a normal human she is half coletti and she was adopted by a human who runs a a human resistance group called earth first they don't want aliens to run their lives he didn't care that bree was part coletti they hide women who have psychic powers they hide women so they wont become brood mares for the coletti she is his
Jaylan is hunting all the earth first people he demands that bree tell him where her father s he also want bree as his mate she dosn't make it easy on him his determination to make him hers and her determination to get away get them in a few tough spot and many humorous situations what a book i absolutely loved this book it made me laugh and when i got to the end i was absolutely obsessed on finding out what happens next i cant wait for the next book 5 gold stars i love this book
(Posted on 7/1/14)
Great! Review by Cynthia
Quality
Another outstanding book in the series. I have read each book about the Coletti warlords and have loved them. The stories are full of life laughter and truly unusual characters. The talent to bring these characters to life as you read is outstanding. The story brings you in and you laugh and cheer through out. I wait with breath held gor the next. Got this one At ten pm and finished it by twelve, couldn't put it down!! (Posted on 6/30/14)
Great read Review by Kris
Quality
Love her series with the coletti warlords. Hot scenes and great face offs with the bad guys. Very funny with a kickass heroine! (Posted on 6/30/14)
The Coletti World just got HOTTER! Review by AngelaG
Quality
Reality Bites is AMAZING! Gail Koger has outshone herself with this book. Not only does it have the classic snark that you expect from one of Gail's books, but it has the same humor that will have you busting a gut laughing. It will also have you salivating to have your very own Warlord to call your own. I have waited for this book since reading Vexing Voss and have to say that I was NOT disappointed. Love the book, and Gail has become the news author on my autobuy list! Good job and awesome, laugh a minute writing! Loved it!! (Posted on 6/30/14)

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Coletti Warlords: Reality Bites 5 out of 1 5 based on 23 ratings. 23 user reviews.
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